Harsh truths and tips for moving forward

Found a gem on Reddit. Link to post here.

My love, if you read this and you want to move forward without me, if it will make you happy, I will support you. I won't make another selfish decision for us.

So here is a little background about myself [28M] and my situation. I was with my SO for a little over 2 years, and had plans of proposing on Christmas of this year. That changed in early November when she told me she didn't love me anymore. I went through a phase where I thought that I had cleared the mental wall and was already over it. I was wrong. I was in the denial stage and when the grief finally set in over the course of last week, it became very clear that I needed to continue working through it. She was "the one". She was my team mate, my partner, and my best friend. At first I thought that it had come out of the blue, but after I started thinking back on the relationship towards its end, I could see the signs. Like the one night we were discussing buying a house and she said "but what if you aren't as clean as I want you to be?". It wasn't what she had said, it was the tone in which she said it. I looked back on our sex life, and how it had lost its spark and turned into mutual oral before bed instead of the passion we used to share with each other. I looked at how little she smiled, how disengaged she was with me, how we only pecked each other on the lips instead of being school kids like we used to be when we made out. Then, I started to look at myself. I had fooled myself into thinking that it hadn't taken its toll on me as well. I quit taking pride in my appearance. I stopped going to the gym, stopped shaving as often, neglected getting a haircut. I was fine with just sitting on my ass everyday after work instead of focusing on a project or going back to school. I had put all of my happiness into her hands, and she was no longer willing to supplement my flaws and shortcomings for my own personal benefit.

Perspective:

• Right now you are thinking "what if we had stayed together", "why didn't they want to try harder", and "who are they going to replace me with"? The fact of the matter is, none of those questions matter. We can't go back to yesterday, last week, 3 months ago, or last year. We can only focus on THIS moment and our future going forward. Getting caught in a downward spiral of negative thinking will only make matters worse for you while you are trying to heal. Everytime you hear your thoughts going to a dark place, or you get that feeling in your gut and chest because of where your mind has wandered, remind yourself that the world is not black and white. You are wallowing in this pain because you are withdrawing from a drug. You have a chemical imbalance in your brain because your routine, emotions, and lets face it, the person you used to confide in have now all changed. Understand that you were addicted to that relationship. It was your escape from reality. Much like any other mind altering substance, you just had to come off of it and there WILL be a withdrawal period. Sure, you think about getting that next hit, you long for the last time you felt the dopamine rush from being with them, sharing a life, smiling together, but you have to come clean now, because you have no other choice. You might have even already tried getting that same high from another person, only to realize that they are not the drug that you grew so fond of. Keep reminding yourself that your brain is tricking you because it naturally wants to take the path of least resistance to feeling better. Pull yourself out of that dark pit you keep falling into and understand that all of the excuses and work arounds you are considering are lies. You NEED to grieve, but it is detrimental to continuously beat yourself up and lie to yourself about never being able to move on and find someone else.

• Think about the last person you were with. Did you settle for them, or were they an upgrade from the relationship you had before you met them? They raised the bar for you, did they not? So why do you keep telling yourself that you'll never find a better partner? YOU ALREADY DID. There are 8 billion people in this world, there are 19,135 subscribers to this sub, and as I type this, there are 74 people currently reading through threads. There are a TON of single people in those numbers that have gone/are going through the same thing you are. They know how to love, they know how to be heartbroken, and they want the same thing that you want. Quit lying to yourself by saying that you'll never have someone better than your last. The only thing keeping you from meeting that new person is being hung up on your past and falling back into that black hole of despair you have dug for yourself by continuously wondering why you aren't good enough. STOP. LYING. TO. YOURSELF.

• No contact. We all hear this over and over and over again. Do you understand why? Because it actually works. However, you need to understand that no contact is not a period of time used to manipulate and persuade your ex to coming back to you. Do you honestly think that is a healthy way of starting anew with them? Do you think basing the second chapter of the relationship off of trickery, punishment, and bribes will make it stronger than it once was? Again, stop lying to yourself, and let go of your ego. They could have left for a multitude of reasons, and it obviously will vary from situation to situation. The fact of the matter is, THEY NO LONGER WANT YOU IN THEIR LIFE, so why would you want to have them in yours? Why do you want to love someone that doesn't want to love you? Are you a masochist? No contact is a period of time that allows you to heal. When I say no contact, I don't mean just no texts, emails, or in person conversation. I mean you don't think about them, you block them on social media, you delete their number, you avoid places you know they frequent, you take a different route to work if you two often pass each other on the road, you literally ghost yourself out of their life, and you push any opportunity of sending yourself back to square one in the healing process out of the window. IF, and I mean IF, they decide to reconcile, they will know where to find you. Do not make it easy for them. Anyone can send a text at 2 am after they have had a few, but it takes someone who truly knows what they want to hunt you down and tell you that they screwed up and were wrong. Allow me to reiterate however, THIS IS NOT YOUR GOAL. Even if they do want you back, the relationship already has a ding in it, it scarred, there will always be uncertainty, there will always be that underlying pain. So focus on healing. DO NOT SEEK LOVE FROM THE LAST PLACE YOU LOST IT.

• What if I have convinced myself that I am truly over the breakup, and that I just want to tell them how I am doing? You aren't. If you are over it, you will be indifferent, and will have more important things to do than tell them "hey, so I'm going back to school and I just hit a new squat PR in the gym last week. Also my new hair cut looks great". This, again, is a manipulation tactic. You are trying to fill the voids you believe they left you over. It doesn't work, it makes you look pathetic and needy, and it will only push them further away. You will look back in the years to come and think about how silly you were for even trying to do so. You will realize that you did in fact NOT write them from a place of peace and progress, but from a place of inadequacy and neediness. If you think I'm talking through my teeth, do me a favor. Write them a letter. A long letter. Tell them everything you have ever felt, everything you wish you had done, everything you are currently doing, and everything you miss about them. Tell them what you love about them, tell them how proud of them you are. Pour your heart into that letter, and then put it away for a week. Come back and read that note after 7 days. Then burn it. My ex and I live in the same apartment complex, and I made the mistake of writing a note and putting it on her windshield at 2am one morning. I quickly went back and retrieved it before she woke up and found it. After I read back through it, I realized how pathetic and weak I sounded. Every single paragraph started with "I" or "My". If I could see that, do you honestly believe she would see it differently? Keep in mind, its okay to struggle and feel pain, this is how we grow, but you can't wear your negative emotions on your sleeve 100% of the time. People want strong partners, teams need strong teammates, you have to grow and harden yourself to these stressful situations before you can be the rock for someone elses foundation.

• Change your routine. Over the course of your relationship you developed habits and routines. This is normal, as humans are creatures of habits. However, if those habits are not conducive to you moving forward and waking up a better person tomorrow than you are today, you need to make a change. Start small, understand that if you are crippled emotionally that baby steps might be all you can muster, but now is the time to develop and maintain discipline. Did the two of you used to spend an hour a night watching TV? Use that hour to focus on a new hobby. I highly suggest working out as the first step if you aren't already doing it. Change your schedule so you can spend that hour a day running or working out. Do you know what no one in the history of fitness/health has ever said, "Man, I regret doing that work out." Working on your fitness and overall health will not only help you physically (which will give you self confidence, a new body image, and make you feel more attractive to the people you are trying to meet), but it will also help you mentally. Physical exertion releases all of the feel good chemicals we could ever want. But beyond that, it teaches us that we CAN break through the walls we see before us. We CAN push ourselves past the point of where our mind tells us is our stopping point. I suggest looking into David Goggins, as his story is truly inspirational and will teach you that you probably give up before you have even given 50% of what you have in your gas tank. Keep pushing. NEVER STOP PUSHING FORWARD. Also, you need to focus on your sleeping and eating habits. Many people will get a full 8 hours and still wake up exhausted. Examine your diet and nutrient intakes, as I can promise you that you are lacking in one or more areas. If you put crap in, that's exactly what you will feel like. Be good to your body, be good to yourself, and you will be rewarded. I promise you.

• Make yourself uncomfortable. If you are like me, you might have pushed friends away over the course of your relationship because you just "didn't have time" to spend with them anymore. Now you feel alone, sit around by yourself, and sink back into that dark pit of negative thought processes because "well, this is my life now". Fuck that. Download Meet Up. I didn't say Tinder or Bumble. I'm not telling you to go fuck around, because I promise you it will not be fulfilling or enjoyable until you are completely over your ex and indifferent to your situation. I am telling you to go try new things, so download Meet Up. Find a hiking group, a fly fishing group, a disc golf group, ultimate group, D&D group, underwater basket weaving group, whatever your interests may be, go find a group for it. Go make new friends. I have many old friends that I love, but they just aren't ambitious or positive and have the ability to impact my life in a negative way. YOU ARE THE AVERAGE OF THE 5 PEOPLE YOU SPEND THE MOST TIME AROUND. You don't have to excommunicate your old friends, but you need to surround yourself with positive, ambitious, and driven individuals that share your interests. Plus, you might even meet a new special someone through one of those groups once you have gotten past the acceptance part of letting go of your ex. So go outside, go do things outside of your comfort zone, challenge yourself, meet new people, try new things, and most of all, DO NOT BE AFRAID TO FAIL. Embarrass yourself, learn to laugh at yourself, put yourself in situations where you others can teach you, and you can teach them. Be a part of something again. Find the real you, because I promise you, that person is so beautiful and they deserve the world.

• Avoid further chemical alterations to your brain. What I mean by this is, do not pick up a bottle or a bong or a pill or a syringe to try to fill that void. I personally don't drink, and I am not telling you not to socialize and have a few among friends, but I am telling you that using a substance as a crutch is a very, very slippery slope. Instead, introduce your brain to dopamine, adrenaline, and serotonin in excess by challenging yourself and interacting with new people. Learn to appreciate being uncomfortable, because every single step you take will be easier than the last. You will make progress, and eventually you will not be afraid of anything. You will conquer your fears and achieve your dreams, but you have to put in the work. Let your body produce your drugs. Trust me on this.

• Surround yourself with loved one, friends, and family. Obviously I encourage making new friends, but sometimes you need a reminder that you DO have a support group around you, and that you are loved and special to others. Your thoughts, opinion, and perspective matters to many, and sometimes we need to understand that before it begins mattering to us again. At the same time, don't seek out validation and love without being willing to reciprocate. Go volunteer and sow the love that you can no longer give to your ex back into the world. Volunteer at elderly homes, take meals to the homeless, be a big brother or sister to a less fortunate youth, spread your experience and life with others. Give the love that you want to receive.

We can't sit around and ask someone to love us before we truly love ourselves and have taken the strides forward that are needed to progress. You are all beautiful people worthy of being cherished, but you need to love yourself first. I know its hard, holy god do I know its hard right now, but I promise you that it will get better. Focus on waking up tomorrow a better person than you are right now. Focus on bettering your future financially, mentally, physically, and emotionally. I love you all. You will get through this, and the person you end up with will be getting the best version of you, and you will be getting the best version of them due to your past experiences and unwillingness to settle for less. Think about how powerful that is. Go look in the mirror and smile. You deserve the world, so go out and fucking take it.