What The Fuck? @ Myself

I have done the unthinkable.

I cheated on my boyfriend. 

Looking back in retrospect, it is hands down the most evil and stupidest shit I have ever done in my life.

I love him so very much, in case it was not obvious on my previous posts. I have spent six years with him, and was planning to spend the rest of my life with him, yet I destroyed our perfect relationship and our perfect life plan. I want to understand why I did what I did so first let's break it down.

It started in late May 2021. I was at my last months in Bali before resigning and I was having tons of fun with my friends, and it got to a point where I had too much fun, irresponsibly. I was alone as everybody else went back to their hometowns for Ied al-Fitr. I was lonely, so I asked one of my guy friends (A) to come over to my friend's place and got drunk just the both of us for two nights straight. He dared me to kiss him and I stupidly agreed to it. It wasn't just a kiss, we did other stuff too. Then it went on for three goddamn months. I tried to break it off a few times out of guilt but he managed to talked me out of it, again and again. When I went back to Jakarta we were still in contact and I finally broke it off for good. 

Now, although I tried to rationalize myself out of it, I ended up confessing due to my guilt/subconscious mind. Now things are at limbo. I have almost lost my goddamn mind and was so close to killing myself os many times. I hurt the person I love the most. I ruined our future plan. I tainted our precious memories of six years.

Now how and why the fuck did I do that? I swear to God I love this man more than anything in my life. I've been so proud of us, managing long distance relationship where communication and intimacy were never an issue, yet I was the one who destroyed it all. How could I be so stupid and reckless?

Okay, now reasons, reasons, reasons...

  1. I thought I was immune from cheating, that's why when I invited him over I was confident that nothing would have happened.
  2. But when he asked me to do things I caved in, why? Because I have no moral compass and self control.
  3. But why the fuck did I not think of the consequences?
  4. I was flattered by the other guy's interest in me and I lost myself in another realm of reality. I was in a bubble.
What the fuck was I even writing. I hate myself so much. So goddamn much. 

My boyfriend is a huge, huge part of my life. I have always admired him since day one, since I laid my eyes on him. I adore him still. My family loves him, and his family is also comfortable with me. We were each other's firsts. We have never fought very significantly, everything could be resolved through communication. He's never done anything wrong, he's never cheated nor intentionally broken my heart. Yet I broke his. I hate myself so much for being this stupid, and I always will for the rest of my life. 

For now I am rationalizing that maybe things happen for a reason. Maybe in the long run we are not quite right for each other? No that's not it. It is just my coping mechanism. I know that before all this we were perfect for each other. 

I don't know what the future holds but hopefully the two of us can recover from this, that our future will be bright once again, either together or separately. I don't know that I am capable of doing something like this. Yet I did it consciously. I hate, hate, hate myself so much. It's going to take years to recover from this shit. God I just hope I die tonight from heart attack or something. I really don't want to live with myself anymore.

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