Using my brain to think. Finally.

My closest ones know me for not thinking things through, for not thinking of the consequences of an action. Never really made a risk assessment either. For 24 years of my life, mostly I've been fine. Sure there were consequences of my action, but I have never made a "bad" decision per se because it was never presented in front of me--I've always had good options. Until May 2021. 

I had a best friend in Bali, a guy friend. Everybody else was not available at that time so I asked him to come to my friend's house, so it was just the two of us.

Stupidity #1. Getting drunk alone with a guy friend. I was so confident nothing would have happened.

Then he dared me to kiss him. I could have said no, then and there. It was so easy if I only thought of the consequences. But I did not reject him.

Stupidity #2. Letting another man (who's not my partner) touch me. Whether my partner would find out/not eventually does not matter. Integrity is everything.

Then it continued for another three months. I thought, if it happened once, why does it matter if it happens a dozen more times?

Stupidity #3. You can't change the past, but you can change the future. Should have stopped it after that night. And also think I could keep a secret like that. I've never lied to my partner for six years, not even once. So it was no surprise that I finally ended up telling him everything.

God. I don't know how to move forward. I've hurt the one person that I love the most in this world, I have ruined my own future. The one that we built so carefully over the years. I don't want to move forward. Sometimes I think of ending it all because I still can't accept that I did what I did. It was so easy to prevent, so easy to say no if I just used my brain.

I honestly don't know how to move forward. I don't want to. I don't want to. Should I end it all?

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